The Family

Today was the funeral of my great uncle. This was a man that I didn't necessarily know all that well but was still part of my extended family. I love family, it is very important to me, but I never had any real grandparents. My maternal grandmother died when my mom was 12 and her father passed when I was 1o, but had Alzheimer's from when I was 4 or 5. So I didn't know them. My paternal grandfather died when I was 3 and my grandmother, the only grandparent I have ever really known lives in Toronto and was never a big part of my life. So I found it odd today when I felt a sadness at my uncle's passing. He wasn't any sort of grandfatherly figure to me, just my zaida's brother. I think it could have to do with the fact that my zaida was one of 13 kids and my uncle's passing means that there are only 3 more siblings left from this massive clan, all 3 have cancer. This closing of a generation really saddens me. I feel that the family has gone through so many hardships that we will never be a full family again. These last brothers are the last remnant of another era, another time in the history of the family. As I was at the shiva after the funeral I felt like I was drowning in a sea of family, which should feel great, but it made me anxious. I was the only one of my generation from my sect of the family and I didn't feel close to the people around me. Surrounded by family I couldn't have been farther away. I guess I just wish that I could go back in time and meet this family that is no more.
Last night my mom referenced a family superstition. Seldom does my mom mention "family superstitions" but she has before. As I lied in my bed I was thinking about this superstition, that a pregnant girl in the family can't go to a funeral. my cousin is pregnant and she didn't come to the funeral today. I thought this was so weird. Who knows these superstitions, where did they come from, how will they live on? I wish I could go back in time so that I could hear these first hand from the brothers and sisters themselves. "Family superstitions" are such an interesting tradition and I would love to be in a family that has them, that sense of tradition and mystery all mixed in together. But I'm not in that family, my family doesn't have these superstitions, my mom's family does, but not mine. Anyways, just some thoughts.

Currently listening to Bob Dylan's Modern Times album